Managing Loss and Grief Series: Where the Power Lies in Loss

2020 was a year of change and transition. For everyone! Nobody has escaped the impact of COVID and the pandemic.

We all know that life is about impermanence. However, the changes many of us experienced over the months have been “real and substantial” loss. Dare I say, “unprecedented”. I don’t need to list the many types of loss that we have experienced. Many of us are truly grieving. That is why I decided to add my voice and continue the conversation with realistic hope and optimism.

How do we keep moving forward? 

While there is no one-size-fits-all prescription for the grieving process, we know that energy, time, and reflection are necessary. Finding meaning (and perhaps renewed purpose) in the process fuels our focus, direction, passion, and perseverance. 

Meaning becomes more powerful as it moves from being negative to positive, external to intrinsic, and from self to others. How?

 “Grief is extremely powerful…there is even more power in acceptance.”  ~ David Kessler, Finding Meaning: the Sixth Stage of Grief (Scribner, 2019)

Move Towards Acceptance

In a Harvard Business Review article (March 2020), David Kessler offered four practical tips:  

1. Find balance in what and how you are thinking.
   
   Recognize catastrophizing, rumination, denial, anesthetizing (habits of distraction), etc.
   
2. Come into the present.
   
   If you haven’t already done so, begin to practice mindfulness and/or meditation. There’s no need to “learn to meditate”. Simply begin wherever you are by stating a feeling or identifying an object. Just don’t, attach yourself to either. For example, rather than say, “I am angry”, say, “there is anger.” My friend who shares credit for the concept of the “low rumble of discontent” revealed that she practices mindfulness in the elevator. The time and sensation of slowly moving down to the ground have become her personal power-moment.
   
   
3. Let go of what you can’t control. Focus on what you can. 
   
   
4. Stock up on compassion.
   
   If you find yourself judging the behaviour of another person, add the word “yet” to your story about their behaviour. For example, “They are taking a huge risk by ___. I have never ___, yet.” We never know when their action might be appropriate. Also, remind yourself that none of us know what is going on for others at this time. Especially, how deeply some people are suffering.

I would also add this… Ask for help when YOU need it. We will know we have moved into a state of acceptance when we can acknowledge what has/is happening and question our best path forward. 

Take care of yourself;

Do what’s best for you;

Don’t jeopardize what you have built for yourself. 

~Patricia A. Muir

Regenerate Your Power

Only you can make meaning for yourself. When you are ready:

1. Practise compassion for yourself and others. Do not compare. Your loss is not a test/lesson, or a gift/blessing, rather, it is a loss. Making meaning is your response to a loss.
   
   
2. Allow your meaning to be personal and relative to your unique experience; understanding “why” this is happening now is not necessary or helpful.
   
   
3. Give yourself plenty of time to make meaning: months, or even years.
   
   
4. Understand that making meaning is not the same as obtaining justice. There will still be loss after meaning is found. But meaningful connections can heal painful memories.

What do you think? Reflect on how you move towards acceptance and regenerate your power? Where are you “emotionally” at this moment? Let me know how you are doing. I would like to hear from you. You can reach me on LinkedIn, and on Maestro’s Facebook. You can also contact me at [email protected].

Check out the online mini-course “Your Building Blocks to Emotional Well-Being and Resilience”. Complimentary for a limited time.

Check out a previous blog: Loss is an Element of Dynamic Change